two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
