But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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