Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
