So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
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Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
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That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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