woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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