New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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