Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
