Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
We got so high we made milksteak
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
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