My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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