i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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