Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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