just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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