I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
