The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
