You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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