my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
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Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
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Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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