He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
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