I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
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it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
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She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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