i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
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I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
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He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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