now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
