new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
