I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
