Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
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