I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
