My sheets look like a crime scene.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
