There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
