So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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