matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
