Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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