I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
