I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
