no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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