When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Text me some of your sweat
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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