i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
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Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
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My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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