Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
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He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
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It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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