I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
This baby is an asshole
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
