Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
