i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
