remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
