The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
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