How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
