I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
People are allowed to visit it's just they can't be from Germany and have to wear masks.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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