That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Randomize
