Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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