you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
