my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
