I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
