nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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