just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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