Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
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I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
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I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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