you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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