never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
