I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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