you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
