So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
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What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
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I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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